..lost.found.dead..

Funny how last year at this time my mind and my heart were in turmoil, stressing over a seemingly doomed relationship, and the aftermath of moving out, etc, had it died then and there. Yet despite all that, we were still in the process of acquiring Angus, a Husky-Shepperd-Collie puppy from Keswick.

One year later, our relationship is stronger than ever, and we have that fateful day in June to thank for it. More specifically, I have Doug to thank for it. If it wasn't for his rash stupidity, our month+ break probably never would have happened. And we very well may not have made it to this point in our lives, together.

One year later, we've separated residences. I now live back in Toronto, with my nephew. He continues to live with his family in Pickering. He did (eventually) come around to understanding my issues with living with his family, in his town, among his friends. Having him leave his comfort zone to spend time with me and my friends in my city keeps us away from each others' necks.

One year later, Angus has become our life. He hasn't had the easiest first year, between our arguing and his own medical issues, but he is definitely one spoiled pooch. The sweetest thing, he's welcome at nearly every family gathering, short of ones held in public restaurants of course. Angus turned one year old on October 12.

One year later, Doug and I are in the market to buy our first house, together. A big commitment. Our parents are all hesitant and nervous for us, naturally. Maybe it is a stupid move. But it's one we're certainly willing to make. We've been pre-approved and it's time to start booking appointments to see properties.

One year later, I am still in retail management. Merchandise manager, to be exact. I still desperately need to get out of retail. And since electrical has yet to produce anything for me, I'm thinking real estate might be the way to go. I can bullshit with the best of them! Besides, interior design and home staging would be the next logical step in that career - something I've been interested in for a long time.

And that's it for your random update!

she: I feel like alienated here..
he: Did you bother to try to fit in?

she: Why doesnt your family talk to me?
he: Do you ever have a real conversation with them?

she: I dont appreciate you talking to everyone but me, about me..
he: So I should just stop to talking to everyone but you, altogether?

she: Thanks for taking my feelings into consideration..
he: Nothing I ever do is good enough for you.

she: What happened to communication?
he: I told you when we started dated, I wouldnt chase you. If you wanna talk, then come and talk.
she: But you always walk away..
he: Because you're driving me crazy.

I told him all it took was one little seed of doubt..

Holy fuck does Pickering suck!!!! lmao I thought Cloverdale was bad..

Pickering Town Center = the worst combination of shops since EVER. I spent 4 hours wandering that damn building and only bought ONE gift for xmas. I couldn't even get Doug's bday present because Ticketmaster doesn't exist inside the boundaries of Pickering. Im not even kidding, look it up!! The nearest one is Scarborough Town Center - 20 minutes back to Toronto! The next one is Oshawa! So I'll  be visiting Yorkdale this evening during work to buy them in person because there's something wrong with my credit card - I cant make purchases online *dies*. Anywhere! It wont accept the information. I have to call Visa and find out why..

Anywho, the holidays suck and I wish I had a time machine to skip through it. Or a remote like that movie and just fast forward. On the plus side, Doug and I have found a puppy and we will be picking him up the weekend of the 11th. His name is Angus. He's a fat and fluffy Husky Shepherd. He's gonna be awesome.

And poor Angus, who hasnt even joined us yet, is the point of contempt for this rant. I've never had to deal with a protective parent feeding doubt to any of my boyfriends. I have no idea how to deal with this. I understand that Doug and his family are very close - much closer than I am to my family. I also understand that they talk, a lot, about everything. Not helping matters is the fact that we live with them. Yesterday, Doug and I went to meet our puppy. Doug was less than enthused and in a bad mood. Turns out he had a run-in with the parentals, who are not overly thrilled about a puppy moving in, and of course, heated discussions ensued. She hit the nail on the head with Doug being a little apprehensive about buying a dog right now, since his financial situation isnt at its best - then continued to guilt him about it, reminding him of the holidays, etc etc. It then somehow came about as a way to 'save our relationship' - she put this together because through her many trips to the freezer (which is in the basement, through our apartment) she had noticed that the dishes hadnt been done in quite some time, so there must be problems between us. Ignoring the fact that they have been done, just not all at once, and yes the counter hasnt been emptied in a while (take into consideration we both work fulltime + hours. If we were home 24/7, like some other people, of course the house would be immaculate), she turns this around on Doug and plants the seed in his mind that buying the puppy is an attempt at saving our relationship. According to them, we fight way more than any 'normal' couple.. this bothers me. A; I dont see us fighting very much at all - far less than I ever did with any of the exes. but B; how much shit is Doug not telling me that bothers him? I know he keeps a lot to himself, I have to pry everything out of him, but if I dont realize something is bothering him, Im not going to pester him to come out with it. And then he just swallows it and it builds. Yes, we've had arguments. Yes, we've had screaming matches. But at the end of the day, we say I Love You and go to bed together.

I dont know what to think. Doug is his own person and thinks for himself very well, but its not like dealing with a friend feeding drama into the relationship, this is his MOTHER. Mother always wins. He keeps telling me she thinks Im great, and they all love me - then turns around and tells me of conversations they've had like this one. So which is it - Am I loved, or am I put up with because Im dating Doug? Does she think Im genuine, or am I some conniving whore that is using Doug? Is Doug actually happy, or is he hiding his true feelings for my benefit?

Why cant shit just be easy for me, for once......

I've had four addresses since the beginning of this year.

For someone that never moved for the first 22 years of life, I find it quite amusing. I'm now residing in Pickering - far east, just outside of Toronto. I never thought I would leave the west end. I never thought I'd get the hell out of Toronto, but here I am. Of course, I still work in Toronto, and my family is still in Toronto, so I spend most of my waking time in Toronto. I just dont have to pay $60 to renew my license next year :) haha.

Now why would I move way the fuck out here? A boy, of course. His name is Douglas, and by gawd, he's actually got a head on his *shoulders* (and not just hanging, you know?)! Ladies and gents, I think I may have found a keeper. Well, technically I didnt find shit. He found me. I ignored him.. and he persisted - and I am so glad he did. So since I have no one to gossip to irl Im just gonna rave here to dead space (how pathetic does that sound? ha). First off, what makes him better than the last boys I've dealt with? He can take my shit. And not get all bitchy, mopey about it. Secondly, he has a career - not a job - a full fledged career, which he will be licensed for by the end of this year. Third of all, he not only plans and sets goals for himself, he follows through on them, and meets them. Same thing goes with promises he makes to me. And the fact that he not only has a G license, but also rides a motorcycle is just a plus - a BIG plus. Point and case. Fuck yeah.

Alright, enough of that girly glee boy talk. On to the (more?) boring stuff. Mid year review of lame new years resolutions!
-Car on the road. End of January.
Yeah, that was easy. NOT.

-Out of this hellhole on my own. End of February.
So I didnt quite get out of the 'hellhole', since I just moved into two other ones consecutively, but alas, I am finally at a place I can say I am happy.

-Apprenticeship or Management. By my birthday.
Management it is. I can take that. Tho I would definitely say Im still looking at apprenticeship before my birthday 2011. Watch for it. It'll make the list!

-Stop being a flake. Get out more.
Yeah. I suck at life. And let me just go on the record saying that even tho I flake more often than not, doesnt mean I dont want to be invited anywhere.. Let me also take this opportunity to vent a little on the bullshit that is currently going down - regardless of when we last spoke or how much of a bitch I think you are and cant stand being around you at times, I will never leave you out of something so important in my life, as you are leaving me out of something so important in your life. When our time comes, you will most certainly receive the invite, whether or not you want to get off your high horse and come is your own choice, but I would never leave you out, looking back at all the shit we went through. kthnx. Im done.

-Save, save, save! Maybe I can restore the bonds lost when this place was dropped on me. Either way, two grand: by my birthday
Alright, it definitely didnt happen for my birthday, but I do finally have a couple grand that Im toying with investing. Anyone know anything about GICs or -insert other acronym here-?
.
-Doctor thats not a walk-in. Regular check-ups? Proper diagnosis? New found disease named after me?! Awesome.
Yep, still doing the walk-in thing. Thinking I might take Doug up on his offer to go see his doctor. Whoever/Where ever that is.

-Pole dancing! Anyone wanna join me? ;) haha. But seriously!
No one took me seriously. And they are way too expensive for me at this point in time, anyway. Boo-urns.

-Boys need not apply. I havent been properly single in years. Lets have some fun. No boys! I hereby commit this year to myself. No setting me up. No suggesting I talk to a boy. And most certainly no nice Jewish boys once I move hahaha.
Alright, well we obviously know that didnt go as planned, seeing as I just told you all about the greatest thing to come into my life since... Stargate. Yeah. lmao.

-Some night class. Wasnt thinking art, sry Paiger :) Prolly wont do this til September or so. Time to think!
I might actually follow through on this and take the electrical course at Durham college. Doug said he'd support me. I need to look into it.

-Running and biking. Routine! Starting whenever the weather warms up cuz Im a wimp and the longer I can put it off, the better xD
So the warmer weather has been here for a while, and Doug and I continue to say we will start running at some point. And well.. its just not happening.. yet..

Well that was awesome. You're most welcome for the mind numbing waste of time I just provided you with.

My dad and his girlfriend fought like crazy yesterday.. I got home at 2:30. She got up at 3. And it started. It was still going on at midnight when I shut my door and tried to sleep. And still going on at 3am when crashing plates woke me.
Shes a useless excuse for life.. Hes everything a man should be.
Yes, my dad has his problems. And shes pushing him back into them. It was very apparent to me, when he came to speak to me through a lull, that my dad had been drinking. And surely a short time later, the bloody vomit as he destroys in his innards is a topic in their feud.
He did it on purpose. He knows the health complications drinking brings him now. I hate him for allowing himself to stoop so low.
I hate her for pushing him there.
I dont know what to do. I dont know where to turn.
I need out of here.
I need help.

( what do you want )

( For His Eyes Maybe )

I wish it hadnt come to this. Once again Im the only one to see the potential. Once again Im left with the feeling of worthlessness. Once again I've misplaced my trust in a boy. Once again Im left with the heartache.

You seem to have a knack for kicking people while they're down. I never realized just how far I had fallen from all I worked so hard for - until I met you. You, in all your glory and perfect ability to keep it together. And I was drowning.

What you dont realize is how far I've come in these short months we've known each. You gave me reason to pull myself together again. I strive for better, for myself, and for you. You dont see the impact you've had on me; you havent taken the time to get to know me. Everything I am, and everything in me, wants to be the one you wanted me to be..

The decisions I made were all with you in mind - all to build myself up again and level the playing feild. And shortly, I will be back on my feet - only now you arent my motivation. Now I better myself in spite of you. And when I reach my goals, it will serve as a big Fuck You. To you. Whether or not we are still in contact, this will be at the forefront of my mind.

I will do it.
Without you.

And I'll be better off.
Without you.

-Car on the road. End of January.
-Out of this hellhole on my own. End of February.
-Apprenticeship or Management. By my birthday.
-Stop being a flake. Get out more.

Done, done and done. And on-going.

Now for something more of a challenge! :)
And possibly some commitment.

-Save, save, save! Maybe I can restore the bonds lost when this place was dropped on me. Either way, two grand: by my birthday.
-Doctor thats not a walk-in. Regular check-ups? Proper diagnosis? New found disease named after me?! Awesome.
-Pole dancing! Anyone wanna join me? ;) haha. But seriously!
-Boys need not apply. I havent been properly single in years. Lets have some fun. No boys! I hereby commit this year to myself. No setting me up. No suggesting I talk to a boy. And most certainly no nice Jewish boys once I move hahaha.
-Some night class. Wasnt thinking art, sry Paiger :) Prolly wont do this til September or so. Time to think!
-Running and biking. Routine! Starting whenever the weather warms up cuz Im a wimp and the longer I can put it off, the better xD

Back on track. We'll just pretend 2008 and 2009 never happened.

It. Never. Happened.
The end.

Im an idiot for even considering it. But I am. And I dont know why it feels different this time. I dont think I can go through with the usual plan. Something had changed. Something about me. Something inside of me. Maybe because the circumstances are so very different this time? We all know dreams dont come true but here I am living in my own world. My own reality, where nothing goes the right way but somehow it works out for the best. Somehow. My day dreams sorta skipped the hard part and went for the happy-as-can-be-given-the-circumstances ending. This could be the end of my life as I know it, as something nags at me, telling me this is the decision I have to make this time. Its a very unsettling feeling.. We'll see how this play unfolds. If Im lucky, it wont even come to this. But luck as I know it, never runs well with me..